The Dangers of Being A Konoha Playboy
by Legendary Legacy
Summary: Naruto and Jiraiya return with someone unexpected. Suddenly, a mysterious potion, a secret bet, a jealous teammate and a new rival are making Naruto's life hell, or is it heaven? NarutoXHarem fic. *THIS STORY HAS OFFICIALLY FLATLINED*
1. Prologue: Back in the Village Again

**Prologue Updated/Edited as of 5/31/07**

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Three figures stood at the top of a high grassy hill, gazing down into the thick forestry of the land of Fire. The rising sun slowly ascended behind their backs and a gentle wind caused their hair to blow about in light gusts. The only thing that could have made the scene even more dynamic would be a raging seaside in the background. But, since none of the three figures were Maito Gai or Rock Lee, they settled for the sun and wind.

It was still a picturesque image.

The first of the three was a tall, burly looking man with long white hair, dressed in clothing that a kabuki performer might wear. His arms were crossed over his chest as he stared off into the horizon, where the village of Konoha could barely be made out from within the thick trees. It had been over two and a half years, and even though he'd been away from the village for much longer than that before, he knew that at least one of his companions would be glad to be back again. The other...well, that remained to be seen.

He turned to the two, completely failing to suppress a small twitch of jealousy on his face at how close they seemed to be standing together, even if the first one didn't seem all that aware of it.

Of the two kids, one was a teenage boy with wild blond hair, blue eyes and bright orange and black clothes. He was looking off toward the village with a large grin on his face. The other was a girl about the same age with long, dark hair, wearing an identical outfit to the boy, with the exception of the sleeves being torn off. She also had her pants rolled up and pinned several times at the waist and ankles, as the clothing appeared to be a few sizes to large for her.

Rather than following the other's gazes toward the village, her eyes were set firmly on the boy. She seemed incredibly nervous, as she constantly shifted her weight from one leg to the other and interlocked her fingers together.

The boy didn't seem to take notice of the girl's unwavering gaze, but did see the look the older man was giving him from the corner of his eye. He turned to confront him.

"What's wrong with you, Ero-Sennin?"

"Nothing's wrong with me, boy," he answered quickly.

"If nothing's wrong, then why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm not looking at you like anything," he denied firmly.

"Yeah you are; you're looking at me like..." He twisted his face until it resembled a close copy of the expression that was on the man's face. "This. It's weird; you've been giving me that look for almost a week now. If you keep doing that it's just gonna add more wrinkles to your face."

Jiraiya seemed ready to start yelling, but bit it back and turned away with a huff. "Brat, you have yet to learn the fine distinction between 'wrinkles' and 'wisdom lines'."

Naruto gave him a sideways glance and grinned. "You must be a genius then, huh Ero-Sennin?"

The legendary sannin grinned and puffed his chest out in pride. "Why thank you. Good to see you're finally starting to show some respect for your sensei."

A long silence passed. No one moved as a light gust of wind blew through. Jiraiya frowned. "Hey, wait a minute..."

Naruto smirked at him. "You're getting slower, Ero-Sennin." Beside him, the girl giggled despite her discomfort.

Giving a loud 'humph', Jiraiya turned his nose up. "It would seem that I've taught you too much, brat. I suppose once we get back to Konoha you won't have any more use for your poor, generous, easily exploitable master. Just take all of my great teachings and wonderful gifts and disappear with them, won't you?"

"What are you going on about?" Naruto questioned. "Come on, quit acting like a little kid."

"I am NOT acting like a little kid!" To prove his point, he stomped his foot on the ground, then sat down cross-legged, cross-armed and hunched over with his bottom lip protruding out in a pout.

Naruto shook his head and scratched his cheek with his finger. He was about to say something more when he felt the girl take hold of his arm.

"Are you sure this is okay, Naruto-sama?"

The blush of embarrassment that had covered Naruto's face at being in such close contact with the girl melted away to reassurance at the girl's words. "Hey, don't worry about a thing. Like I said, once we tell Tsunade-baachan what happened I'm sure she'll help you."

The girl lowered her gaze and smiled weakly. "Not everyone is as forgiving as you, Naruto-sama. It may have been three years ago, but that doesn't mean that all will be forgotten. ...I'd think that your pink-haired teammate would be especially bitter about seeing me again..."

Naruto cut in by turning and placing his hands on her shoulders. "Listen, I promise once we talk to obaachan everything will work out fine. And if anything does happen to go bad, I'll take care of it, alright?"

He had only intended to reassure her, but the reaction he got was much more than one would have suspected. The girl suddenly leaned in much closer, pressing her body firmly against his side. She brought her face up to Naruto's, causing him to tense up and blush a deep crimson from the close proximity.

"I trust you, Naruto-sama," she told him, dropping her voice to a seductive whisper. "I know you'll keep me safe."

Naruto gulped, but couldn't manage anything more than a simple, "Uhh..."

She moved in even closer, wrapping one arm around his waist, and the other distinctly lower on his body. "I entrust my life...and my body, into your very capable hands."

This proved to be too much for the blond, as he tilted his head back and shot a fountain of blood from his nose before collapsing in a heap on the ground. The girl blinked a few times in confusion, then turned to Jiraiya, who was busily scribbling something down on a small sheet of paper.

"It happened again, didn't it?" she asked. The Sannin nodded absently, making her frown in annoyance. "Damn it. I thought those side-effects would have stopped by now. What if that happens in public? People'll think I'm a slut or something."

Jiraiya waved her off with his free hand. "Nonsense," he assured her. "Why don't you go on ahead? I'll wake Naruto and we'll catch up." The girl gave him a funny look, but shrugged and went on ahead. Once she was out of sight, he slipped the paper and pencil back into his pocket and sighed. Why life had to be so cruel, he'd never know.

"Get up boy, you're an embarrassment," he commanded, giving Naruto's prone body a small kick. With a small groan, the boy sat back up, looking woozy.

"Jeez, I gotta stop letting my guard down around her," he muttered, wiping the excess blood from his nose on his sleeve.

"You're too weak-minded, brat," Jiraiya said, sounding very disappointed. "How can you expect to ever woo a lady if you can't even handle a little physical contact and light innuendos?"

"It's YOUR fault she's acting that way, baka Ero-Sennin!" he shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the man.

"You're welcome."

"IT'S NOT A GOOD THING!"

"Only you, boy, would consider having a girl practically throwing herself at you to be a bad thing! How dare you call yourself my student?"

"But it's not normal! I mean, it's not like she's acting that way because she wants to!"

Jiraiya sighed in disgust. "You just can't see the good in anything, can you?"

"Are you two coming or not?"

The two men glanced over, seeing the girl looking at them impatiently with her hands on her hips.

Naruto silently got back to his feet. Giving a final dirty look to Jiraiya, he followed after the girl. Jiraiya returned the look to the back of the boy's head.

"Lucky, ungrateful son of a..."

Shaking his head sadly, he moved to catch up with them.

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The Dangers of Being a Konoha Playboy

A Naruto Harem Fic

By Legendary Legacy

Standard Disclaimer: The settings and characters of Naruto are the created and legal property of Kishimoto-sama. I am using them without permission or intent of making money.

Additional Disclaimer: This fic will be much sillier than my other main story. While I can't guarantee that it will be funny for you, I will say that it isn't meant to be very serious. Also, OCs will turn up in this story from time to time, but I think you all should know me well enough by now to realize what I do and don't do with my original characters. Please enjoy.

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Prologue--Back in the Village Again

If someone had told Haruno Sakura three years ago that she might one day feel anxious about meeting Uzumaki Naruto, she most certainly would have punched them. If someone were to say the same thing to her today, she probably would have done the same thing just on basic principle. But saying something and actually meaning it didn't always go hand in hand.

At the moment, the pink-haired powerhouse had her entire wardrobe spread out on the bed and floor before her, debating over what the best choice of outfits would be for this occasion.

Not that she felt it necessary to look exceptionally good just for Naruto or anything.

But it had been a long two and a half years since they'd last seen each other. That much time was bound to change people, hopefully for the better. Who knew? Maybe he'd grown more mature or even hotter since he left.

Not that it mattered to her what he looked like or anything.

Staring into her full-length mirror, Sakura took in her own changes. Now fifteen years old, she was pleased to see that she had filled out quite nicely, though not quite as nicely as Ino, she begrudgingly admitted. But who cared, she still looked great, and Naruto was bound to think so as well.

Not that she cared what Naruto though of her or anything.

Shaking her head, Sakura flopped down on her bed, gazing up at the ceiling. It was hard to believe that it had been nearly three years since both of her teammates had left Konoha. Loneliness had set in not long after. Kakashi was also constantly away on high-level missions, Ino was busy with her own team and helping at her family flower shop, and even though she had been putting as much time as possible into her training under Tsunade, the times when she wasn't found her with no one really to talk to.

She'd never realized before then that there weren't many other people her age that she typically hung out with. The rest of the shinobi her age were basically associates, not so much friends. There was Lee, who visited with her a few times, but most of those had ended rather uncomfortably with him re-proclaiming his love and devotion to her and her trying to nicely turn him down again.

Many nights found her crying herself to sleep at the sudden emptiness in her life, mainly over the loss of Sasuke. At least, that's how it had started.

Then one day, about seven months after his departure, she'd received a letter from Naruto. For some reason that she couldn't understand, just reading through the letter had filled her with a long-forgotten joy. It was great to hear simple things like Naruto complaining about Jiraiya not teaching him anything and how he had to keep stopping him from peeping into bath houses.

Jiraiya had forbid Naruto from telling her where they were, lest someone like the Akatsuki somehow managed to intercept the letter, so she was unable to write back to him, so she'd had to content herself with the knowledge that he would write to her again soon.

That 'soon' had turned out to be another six months, and all the time in between had felt like ten times as long. When it had finally arrived, Sakura had shut herself in her room and read the thing no less than thirty times before falling asleep. Reading about all the things that Naruto had been doing brought comfort to her, but at the same time made her wish she could talk to him in person about it. She could just imagine the look on his goofy face when he found out that she had been made a chunin before him.

And so was the trend for the next year and a half: Every few months a new letter from Naruto would come, and after reading it, Sakura would wait and wait for the next to come. The letters from her teammate slowly became a highlight for her, and every new day found her checking the mail for the next one, usually only to be disappointed.

It wasn't until much later that she realized that she had started thinking more about Naruto than she had about Sasuke. Either through obliviousness or a stubbornness to admit it, the reasoning behind that remained lost on her.

But now all of that was in the past, and today Naruto was coming back. Finally she would have a chance to talk back to him and let her know all about what she had been up to in his absence. All she needed was to find something decent to wear and meet him...

Standing back up, she began rummaging through her stacks of clothes again.

"Hmm, too flashy...too plain...too low-cut...whoa, waaay too low-cut...hrmm. No...no...no...Oh my God! This thing is still in here!?"

Grimacing in disgust, she pulled out the birthday present that Lee had given to her last year. The tailor-made, gruesome green leotard that was identical to the one he and Gai always wore. It had been one of the few presents she'd received that year from anyone other than her parents.

A nice gesture, sure, but she'd give up being a ninja before she actually wore the thing.

Tossing that aside, she finally decided on an outfit that felt acceptable, and began to change.

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Ever since her first time in Konoha, Temari had often wished she'd lived there. The place was such a change from the barren, sandy nothingness of Suna. The weather was still warm, just not unbelievably so, she loved looking at the many colors of the native plants and trees, and the people were surprisingly friendly. Much nicer than the people of Suna, who were respectful, but wouldn't go out of their way much to just talk to her.

But probably the best thing about Konoha was that it was a place for her to just be Temari. She didn't have to be known as 'the sister of the Kazekage' or 'sister of Gaara'. She was just Sabaku no Temari; ass-kicking, quick-thinking jounin and liaison between Konoha and Suna.

But all that aside, she was also hungry, so business would just have to wait a while.

Walking down the streets, the kunoichi glanced about, looking for some place to eat, when her eyes landed on a building she couldn't remember ever seeing before. 'The Date-ken', a large, brightly painted sign above the door read. Directly below the name were the words 'Only Shinobi Allowed'.

Her interest piqued, Temari entered the building.

Once inside, she felt a little overwhelmed. The place looked like a strange cross between a typical restaurant and a dojo. Tables and booths lined the walls while small tabletops and mats were strung about in the middle. Wall scrolls of ancient scripture and calligraphy covered nearly every inch of the walls above the tables, and there appeared to be a punching bag and rack of swords lined up against the back corner. In the very center of the room stood a life-size statue of a man in armor with an eye-patch and a crescent-crested helmet.

There were only a few other people sitting at the tables, but sure enough, all of them were wearing hitai-ite.

Quite an odd place, she surmised. But she was hungry, and she was here, so...

"Konnichiwa, and welcome to-. Oh, it's you."

Temari blinked. What kind of service was that? Finding the source of the voice, she spotted a young girl about the same age as her. She was dressed in a light blue kimono, which Temari assumed to be the standard uniform for women who worked there. Her dark brown hair was pulled up into two small buns on top of her head, and her mouth was turned down into an ugly sneer.

Ah, how familiar Temari was with that sneer. It was the typical look she normally received from someone who currently held a grudge against her. Unfortunately...

"Do I know you?" she asked casually.

That sentence turned the girl's sneer into an evil scowl. "What do you mean, 'do I know you'? You were the one who beat and humiliated me! You mocked my abilities, nearly killed me and made me look like an absolute joke in front of my teammates!"

"Oooh," Temari said, nodding her head in understanding. "...Could you be a little more specific?"

Fire flared in the eyes of the brunette as two kunai suddenly appeared in her hands. "Why you-!"

"TENTEN!" came a booming voice from the back of the room. Tenten flinched as both girls turned to stare at the large, hairy man who had just appeared in the doorway. He wore a white chef's hat, a very dirty apron, and was brandishing a rather large knife. "No fighting with customers until after they've eaten and paid! Any lost profit comes out of your paycheck!"

Tenten huffed and waved a dismissive hand at the man. "Sorry, kumichou."

Temari's eyes widened as the man flung the knife, sending it spiraling toward the back of Tenten's head.

"And stop calling me that!" he shouted.

Temari felt that she should warn the girl, but before she was able, Tenten had spun around, caught the spinning blade by the handle and had thrown it right back toward the man. Unfortunately, or fortunately in the man's case, he had already walked back into the kitchen and the knife sunk harmlessly into the wooden door that separated the rooms. Temari noted with interest that the door appeared to have many deep knife-shaped holes like the one that was just formed.

"Well, you heard him," Tenten muttered, snapping Temari out of her thoughts. "Either come in and order something or leave."

Temari smirked. Hearing the girl's name and seeing the display with the knife had jogged her memory. Now that she remembered who it was she was dealing with, she found it a bit funny. "So you still haven't gotten over our match at the Chunin Exams three years ago? That's a little sad, isn't it?"

"Eat me," the girl spat.

"I'll order from the menu, if it's all the same to you."

Temari's smirk widened as she swore she could hear the girl's teeth grinding. Without responding, Tenten led her to an empty seat.

"So you decided to give up on being a shinobi after all, huh?" Temari continued to taunt. "Well good for you. If I may say so, I think you made the right choice."

"For you information," Tenten retorted with enough venom to kill everyone in the restaurant. "I'm only doing this as a side job to make extra money and get additional training in between missions. I'm a chunin now, in case you didn't know."

"A chunin, huh? Well how about that? You must have gotten a little less pathetic from the time we fought. You should be proud."

"Quite proud, actually," the brunette answered. "Unlike some people, I'm not blessed with the perks that come with have a Kazekage for a brother."

Temari's eyes narrowed. "Care to repeat that?"

"No, here's your menu."

Giving another sharp glare, Temari turned to the menu and began scanning it. Her brow furrowed. "What is this? I've never even heard of some of this stuff!"

Tenten shrugged. "Date-sensei has a strange liking for foreign and exotic foods. Might I suggest the egg pudding-stuffed haggis?"

"Don't do me any favor, thanks. I'll play it safe and have the sushi house special."

Tenten silently scribbled down the order, then turned and walked into the kitchen, letting the door swing shut behind her.

Temari sat in silence for a few moments, watching the other occupants eating and chatting. Suddenly, she was startled by a loud crashing followed by several audible shouts could be heard coming from the kitchen. More loud bangs and sounds of metal clashing against metal were heard, finally ending in what sounded like a small explosion.

Temari reached for her fan, but stopped herself when she saw that none of the others in the room seemed even slightly disturbed by what was going on. A few seconds later Tenten walked back out, looking like she'd just returned from a battleground. She calmly smoothed out her singed and slightly tattered kimono, then placed a perfectly unharmed tray of assorted sushi pieces in front of Temari.

"Enjoy," she said with a cheerful smile.

Temari poked tentatively at her food. "This isn't puffer fish or anything equally dangerous, is it?"

"Nope," Tenten assured her. "Date-sensei doesn't approve of killing paying customers. Apparently it's bad for business."

Still skeptical, but also still hungry, Temari popped a piece into her mouth. The next thing she knew she was on cloud nine. "This is delicious! YOU made this?"

Tenten sniffed indignantly. "I've learned a few things since I started working here."

Temari took another bite, and began coughing violently as white smoke began pouring out of her mouth. Tenten watched on with a sinister grin.

"The first thing I learned was how to get people to let their guard down when I need them to. The second thing was how to slip tiny smoke bombs into their food without them knowing it."

"Are you (cough cough) trying to kill me or something?" Temari demanded, trying to rid her body of the intruding smoke.

"Don't be silly, just be glad I didn't add caltrops or you'd really be in trouble."

Now over her coughing fits, Temari grabbed her fan and snapped it open. "Little chunin, you just lost your tip."

Tenten drew a bo staff from within her kimono, twirling it slowly. "Then I'll make you pay another way!"

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Somewhere, deep within the lower reaches of the Konoha laboratories, two young scientists were busy concocting something dastardly.

"I think the muffins are ready, Ashida."

"Get back over here and help me with this, you dumbass!"

Mokoto sighed, closing the stove to the makeshift oven and made his way back to his partner. It was such a shame; Ashida never did take the time to relax and enjoy himself. Work, work, work...all the time. It just wasn't healthy for a young guy like him.

"Take that solution off the burner," the bespectacled young man commanded. "We've been working on this same project for weeks and we can't afford to mess it up now. Kami knows what the Hokage would do to us."

Removing the liquid-filled beaker from the burner, Mokoto let out a small chuckle. "Yeah, well...it could be worse, ya know? If this stuff actually works, it'll put the Interrogation Squad out of business. I'd rather not have someone like Morino or Anko-chan ticked off at me for that."

Ashida looked up from his papers. "Anko-chan?"

He shrugged. "What? She's sexy, ya know? In a scary 'don't-fuck-with-me-or-I'll-eat-you-whole-and-not-in-a-good-way' sort of way."

"You're married." Ashida pointed out.

"So a guy can't make observations? Besides, I think my wife's starting to warm up to the ménage a trois thing. Last time I brought it up she only hit me six times instead of the usual ten."

"Have you forgotten our rule about leaving personal lives at home?"

The younger man sighed again. "Right, right... Though you know, if you just got yourself laid a few times I bet you'd have an easier time of relaxing-"

"THANK YOU, MOKOTO!" Ashida growled, making it clear that Mokoto was not to continue with his line of conversation. "Read off the rest of the ingredients to me from the list."

"Sure thing, pal," Grabbing the sheet of paper, Mokoto tallied off everything that they had done already. "Here we are: One human tear. OOWWW!"

Ashida pulled the small scalpel out of the Mokoto's leg, and then held the beaker up to his face, catching a stray tear that slipped out of his partner's eye. "One human tear...check."

"What the hell!?" Mokoto demanded, squeezing his leg in pain. "You couldn't have just held an onion up to my face? Or told me a tragic story from your childhood?!"

"Somehow, neither of them would have felt quite so satisfying." Ashida said with a grin. "Next ingredient, please?"

Still grimacing and rubbing his wound, he glanced back at the paper. "Kikaichu pheromone."

"Grab the bottle up on the shelf. It's the one with the green label," Ashida instructed, distractedly stirring the contents of the beaker.

Mokoto looked up, spying no less than twelve bottles with green labels on them. "Any chance you could narrow it down a little?"

"It says 'Kikaichu' on it, you idiot!"

"Alright, jeez what a grouch; you seriously need a woman."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing..." Sorting through the near-identical bottles, he came to one with a very worn and faded green label. He held it up to his face for a better view. "Ki...kai...hmm, guess this is the one."

Unstopping the small bottle, Mokoto measured out a small amount and poured it into the mixture. The two men watched as the solution slowly changed into a light green color.

"So did we do it right?" he asked.

"How should I know?" Ashida asked, pushing up on the bridge of his glasses. "We've never done this before. That's what makes it an 'experiment'."

"And a silly one at that," the younger of the two commented. "Why would Tsunade-hime want us to make a truth serum of all things? It was my understanding that the Interrogation Squad _enjoyed_ torturing answers from their victims."

"It's a last resort, I would think," Ashida replied. "Even after the most brutal torment, a person can still lie if what they know is important enough. This way they'll be able to make absolute certain that they get the information they're looking for."

"So how do we tell if it works?"

"We'll have to test it, of course."

The two men stared at each other.

"And as your senior, I've decided that you will be the one to test it."

"Nooo way, man. I've got secrets, whereas you have no life whatsoever outside of this laboratory. What possible things could you be afraid to share?"

"What secrets could you have left? You tell me every single insignificant thing that's ever happened to you already."

"Hey, I don't tell you _everything_. Are you really sure you want to find out what sort of things I _don't_ tell you?"

"...All right, I'll try it!"

"Excellent!"

Mokoto watched on as Ashida slowly lifted the beaker up to his lips. Just to be on the safe side, he reminded himself that there were a few panaceas in the bottom drawer in case his partner started dying. Hopefully it would give him enough time to get him to the clinic to find a real antidote.

As the beaker was centimeters from Ashida's lips, he stopped, his face scrunched up in disgust. "What the hell is that burning smell?"

"THE MUFFINS!" Mokoto screamed in horror. Running back to the small oven, he pulled open the door, releasing a vast amount of black smoke into the unventilated room. "It's okay," he shouted with relief. "They're just gonna be a little crispy, is all."

"Forget the muffins, damnit!" Ashida tried taking a deep breath to calm himself, but only managed to inhale a lot of smoke, making his cough uncontrollably. "Can't even breathe in here anymore... Let's just get this stuff to Hokage-sama before something else goes wrong."

"You think I should bring her a muffin?"

"FORGET THE GODDAMNED MUFFINS!!"

----------

Naruto and the others now stood before the door to Tsunade's office in the Hokage Mansion. The two men simply stood there, looking thoughtful, while the girl could only glance between them in wonder.

"Uh...aren't we supposed to go in?" she finally asked.

"Yeah," Naruto replied. "But first we need to figure out the best way to approach this." Jiraiya nodded in agreement.

"Why?" the girl asked, starting to feel fearful. "I thought you said that the Hokage would be understanding about me."

"Oh, it's not you we're worried about," the sannin muttered. "We were sort of supposed to keep in touch with Tsunade so she could be sure that Naruto was safe and out of danger. We uh...kind of forgot to write for the last three months. And if she happens to be in a bad mood today..."

"I told you not to drink all of that sake last night," Naruto told him.

"Quit griping, brat. If you hadn't been so stingy with your money we could have bought more."

The girl shivered. "Do I really want to meet this woman?"

Naruto laughed. "Aw, don't worry. She's not really that bad. I mean, sure she's a little violent."

"And short-tempered," Jiraiya added.

The door behind them opened. Neither man noticed.

"And freakishly powerful," Naruto continued.

"And lazy."

"And an alcoholic."

"And a gambling addict."

"And hearing everything you're saying about her," a voice from behind them added.

Both men froze where they stood, neither even bothering to turn around.

"Our luck _can't_ be that bad, can it?" Naruto wondered aloud.

Jiraiya felt pretty certain that it could. The menacing aura was present, and he was faintly aware of the sound of a large vein throbbing from the person's forehead. But just to be certain, he slowly reached backward with his hand, having it come to rest on something soft and very large.

"Yep, I'm ninety-nine percent sure we're going to be killed," he confirmed.

"Then what the hell are you doing groping her, you stupid perv!" Naruto demanded in a low whisper.

"A guy has the right to die happy, doesn't he?" he asked with a weak grin.

Naruto turned back to the girl. "If I don't make it out alive, tell my friends...that I died with honor."

He didn't get a response, as the next moment found both men being lifted up by their throats and carried unceremoniously into the room. Once she let them go, they turned, and saw just how utterly pissed the Godaime really was. Naruto wasn't certain, but he could have almost sworn that he heard the Kyubi give a small whimper at the sight of her from deep within him.

It was time to get desperate.

"Wow, Tsunade-er...sama," he started gushing. "You're really looking young today! It's like you've actually grown three- no, TEN years younger since we left instead of getting older!"

Tsunade bent over until she was face to face with the boy. "Naruto," she said softly as she held her fingers up to his face, studying him intently.

"Yeah?" he asked hopefully.

"Too late," she said before landing a solid punch right across his chin, sending him rocketing through a closed window and into the horizon.

Tsunade turned back, finding the spot that Jiraiya had been occupying empty. Undauntedly, she reached and grabbed a seemingly handful of air. "That jutsu doesn't work against me, remember?"

Slowly, the old man came back into view, sweating profusely. "I uh...I know you're angry that I never wrote...but I do want you to know that I never stopped thinking about you! All those lonely nights when I went to those brothels I always envisioned that I was with you."

Tsunade cracked her knuckles.

"And um...and that I've been taking excellent care of Naruto. T-turned him into quite the upstanding young gentleman."

She took two steps backward, measuring where she was aiming.

"...I don't suppose you could do an old teammate a favor and knock me through the hole that Naruto made?"

Three seconds later, a large hole appeared in the brick wall right beside the broken window.

Sighing in relief, Tsunade turned back to the door, for the first time noticing the girl that was still standing there, frozen in fright. Tsunade could feel the fear coming from the girl, and decided that a simple question would be best to start with.

"Are you wearing Naruto's clothes?"

The girl fidgeted under the woman's stare. "Y-yeah."

"Any particular reason?" she asked.

"Um...I can explain. It's kind of a long story though..."

Tsunade brushed a hand through her hair. "Well, come in, sit down and let's talk then."

The two moved into the room. The girl flinched at the sight of the two large holes in the wall that her companions had made.

"Don't worry, they'll be back soon," Tsunade told her. "But while we wait, let's hear your story. What's your name, girl?"

She sat down in a chair in front of Tsunade's desk, took a deep breath, and spoke.

"My name is Tsuchi Kin..."

----------

After spiraling out of control for close to a full minute, Naruto finally made a painful landing, skidding to a halt in the middle of a street.

"Uzumaki's back," someone idly commented.

"So it would seem," another agreed.

"Causing trouble already," came another voice.

"So much for peacefulness."

Naruto paid them no mind, choosing instead to lay in a heap on the ground and twitch a little bit.

"Somehow, this wasn't the homecoming I'd hoped for. Baka Ero-Sennin," he grumbled.

"Well well, so the rumors were true, I see."

Clearing his vision and glancing up, Naruto realized that there was a girl standing over him. The first thing he noticed about her was the long blonde hair, most of which was pulled back into a ponytail, and the rest falling down over a very attractive face. She was also wearing a tight-fitting purple shirt and matching skirt. And from his view on the ground beneath her, he was also able to see within the skirt to the pair of black-

His hands shot up to his face, squeezing his nose like a vice grip. "I-Ino, you're um-"

"So, recognized me after all this time, huh?" she cut in, apparently ignorant to his crisis. "I wasn't expecting that." She struck a pose, inadvertently giving him an even better look up her skirt. "What do you think? I'm something else, aren't I?"

She didn't get an answer, as Naruto's eyes had glazed over and the smallest bit of blood began seeping through his plugged nose.

Finally noticing his plight, Ino moved to kneel down beside him. "What's wrong with you? Still dizzy from that crash landing you had? What was that anyway? ...Hellllooo?"

Now free of bad images and ecchi thoughts, Naruto returned to his senses. "S-sorry. Yeah, uh...dizzy."

Ino giggled and helped him to his feet. "Well come on, Sakura's been waiting for you forever, you know?"

Naruto's eyes lit up a bit at that declaration. "Really? She has?" But then he remembered. "Wait, I have to go talk to Tsunade-baachan first about-"

"Oh let it wait," she prodded. "Shikamaru and Choji are supposed to be waiting at the new restaurant for me. Sakura's going to be there in a bit, too. We'll just make it a big welcome back party for you."

"But wait, this is really import- whoa! Slow down!"

As Ino began dragging Naruto away, someone slowly poked her head around the corner of the building that she had been hiding behind.

"N-Naruto-kun, you're really back," Hyuga Hinata whispered, unable to keep the blush off of her face.

End Prologue (**DON'T STOP READING YET!!)**

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A/N: I've updated this little summary here on the Harem situation, and it looks a bit like this:

**Inner Circle (or women that will have a major romantic interest with Naruto (and vice versa))**

Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Kin, Temari, Tenten

**Outer Circle (or women who will NOT have a major romantic interest with Naruto (and vise versa) but will still have some effect on the story itself)**

Anko, Kurenai, Shizune, Tsunade, Ayame

This means that if a girl isn't listed in one of these two lists, then she is either not going to have impact on the story, or more likely, won't be in the story at all. (This means Hana, Tayuya, Yugato, Hanabi or anyone else you can think of)

Now, for a few final notes (though they may sound more like rants):

I believe that Kyubi is a male. I also believe that he is an evil, bloodthirsty demon who would never in a million years fall in love with Naruto (or any other human) for any conceivable reason. I simply can not see a believable reason for why or, more importantly, how it would happen. That being the case, I calmly ask you to NOT ask, request, demand or threaten that I include him in this harem-fic. I simply will not do it.

Likewise, I believe that Haku is a guy. Just like I believe that Naruto is a guy, just like I believe that Deidara is a guy, just like I believe that every person in the Naruto-verse who doesn't require the use of a henge to grow boobs is a guy. I realize that Haku is incredibly girly, but to me at least, being girly and being a girl are completely different things. That said, I calmly ask you to NOT ask, request, demand or threaten that I include him or any other Fem-males in this harem-fic. I simply will not do it.

(Whew) I think that covers the basis of the harem side of this story, so about this chapter in particular...

The word for 'boss' in Japanese is typically 'bosu', but Tenten referred to her boss as 'kumichou', which is a term usually used for the leader of violence groups like the Yakuza, which would make it a bit of an insult to say to anyone else.

Also, bonus points to anyone who can guess which historical Japanese figure the statue in the restaurant was of. There are plenty of hints.

That's all for now. I hope you liked the first part. Til next time.

LL


	2. 1: Love, It Comes In Many Forms

**Chapter 1 Edited as of 5/31/07**

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Okay, the second piece to my second 'epic' fic. Took me a while, but with my main focus still on Pride of Suna, that's to be expected. Forgive me if this chapter seems a little raw, I haven't had much time to go back through and edit stuff, so if you're feeling generous and happen to discover a mistake or two, feel free to let me know about it. Thank you.

Also, before starting, a bunch of people have PMed me asking why I won't involve more women than the one's I listed last chapter. The simple answer it: Too many ingredients spoil the recipe. I know there are some people, Vesvius or Ryushi, for instance, who could probably include as many women as they wanted into a harem fic and not have problems, but I don't have that sort of confidence as of yet. If I tried to use more than the six main girls that I already plan on using, I'd be trying to fit too much stuff into too little amounts of time. So to all the people who were hoping for some of the other girls, fret not, as I can always include them in a future story.

That being said, I hope you enjoy.

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The Dangers of Being a Konoha Playboy

by Legendary Legacy

A Naruto harem-fic

Standard Disclaimer Applies.

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Chapter 1--Love: It Comes in Many Forms

Back in the Date-ken, Temari and Tenten sat in a corner booth, both looking disheveled and exhausted and slowly sipping cups of tea. For a long while neither spoke, just took turns glaring at each other.

"You know good and well that if that old man hadn't interfered I would have kicked your ass," Temari commented.

"Big talk coming from someone who almost became my personal pin-cushion," Tenten retorted. "And what did you expect Date-sensei to do? You were going to use the stupid tornado jutsu of yours inside his restaurant."

The Suna kunoichi rubbed her bruised check. "Who the hell is that guy, anyhow? No ordinary chef hits that hard."

"His name's Date Teru, a retired ANBU. He once told me that he was a descendant of Date Masamune."

Temari scoffed. "Bullshit."

"Hey, that's just what he says. Either way, he was always this big connoisseur of fancy and exotic foods, so when he retired about 20 years ago he spent the next eighteen years traveling all over the world, gathering recipes and ingredients from other countries. When he came back, he convinced Tsunade-sama to allow him to build this place. He then turned it into the first restaurant in Konoha to be completely owned and run by trained Shinobi."

"Is that why only ninja are allowed to eat here?" Temari asked, finding the concept mildly interesting.

"No, that's just a safety measure. Date-sensei tends to lose his temper a lot and usually starts throwing sharp objects around when something goes wrong. Keeping out normal people reduces unnecessary casualties."

Temari hummed, drained the last of her tea and grimaced. "Well thanks to you and your little prank, I'm still starving."

Tenten smirked lightly. "Aw, and I thought you'd just love the poetic justice of it all. You know what they say: Revenge is a dish best served raw."

"And on that subject," Temari responded. "How could you possibly hold such a meaningless grudge for nearly three years? ...Unless, of course, it's not all just a simple matter of what happened at the chunin exams..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tenten demanded.

"Well, there's always jealousy."

"JEALOUSY?!" she shouted. "What would possibly make me jealous of someone like YOU?"

"Oh, where to start?" Temari held up a hand and began ticking points off on her fingers. "There's looks, intelligence, abilities, feminine charm-"

"You think you're more feminine than me?" the weapons mistress asked incredulously.

"I think the old man that you're working for is more feminine than you," Temari retorted.

Tenten's teeth were practically ground down to the gum by now. Sabaku no Temari was without a doubt the most infuriating person she'd ever had the misfortune of dealing with. Oh, what she wouldn't give for the chance to shut her up but good...

And so what if she wasn't the textbook definition of femininity? So what if she was a bit of a tomboy who preferred pants to skirts and never wore her hair down? She was still by and far more cute and feminine than the brash, bossy and conceited kunoichi from the Sand.

And at the moment, she felt the need to prove it.

"Feel like putting that theory to the test?" she asked casually.

Temari quirked an eyebrow at her. "How do you mean?"

"I'm willing to stake my reputation as a kunoichi that if we picked any random guy in this village, I could get him to go for me over you," she stated.

Temari's second eyebrow rose to meet the first. "Are you serious?"

"Dead serious. What's wrong, not confident enough?"

The Sand nin smirked. "Hardly. You're on, little chunin girl. What are the stakes?"

"Who cares?" Tenten asked. "The pleasure of putting you in your place is all the reward I need."

Temari smirked even wider. "That confident? ...Well, in that case, since you say you're staking your reputation as a ninja on it, what do you say that the loser of this little contest must resign as a shinobi?"

That stopped Tenten cold. Being a shinobi was the main point of her life. Her life's goal was to become as great as Tsunade. She wouldn't want to give that up for anything.

"What's wrong?" Temari asked in the same mocking tone that Tenten had used before. "Not confident enough?"

Tenten steeled herself. Forget the risks, the Suna bitch was going down.

"You're on," she said firmly.

"Okay, then since you made the challenge, I get to pick the target."

"Now hold on a minute!"

"Why? Did you already have someone in mind?" she asked snidely.

Tenten opened her mouth, then let it close again. Of course, if she were to choose, her first pick would have been Neji. But now that she started thinking about it, that wouldn't be a very good choice at all. Neji never expressed his feelings, and even though they were teammates, that didn't guarantee that he would automatically pick her; he wasn't exactly someone she could force to do it either. Lee was still too hung up on Sakura; he'd never betray "the love of his beautiful flower of springtime". Idiot.

She let out a low sigh. "Fine, you can pick. But it can't be anyone that either of us are particularly close with. That means you can't pick someone like Shikamaru or...one of your brothers or anything."

Temari made a face. "As if I'd pick one of them anyway." And truthfully, she wouldn't have. Firstly, her brothers were both back in Suna, and even though she could easily have gotten Kankuro to help her win, that was just a bit gross.

Shikamaru had about as much romantic emotion as a neutered cat. If she had to pull teeth just to get him to spend a few hours with her, how difficult would it be to get him to seriously go along with something like this?

Who else did she really know here in Konoha? There was Shikamaru's teammate, that fat kid. He was a good guy from what she'd seen in the past. But...nah.

Both of Tenten's teammates were out, of course.

That bug guy? Yeah right. If Shikamaru was an emotional rock, that guy was a graveyard.

His teammate, the dog boy? Hmm, he was certainly an energetic and fairly emotional type. That was a possibility...

But who else was there? Surely there was someone else that she at least knew a little more about...

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw two people enter the restaurant. Turning her head, she realized that she recognized them both, especially the boy.

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"Aw damnit! I told those two to be here by the time I showed up! Lazy idiots!"

"Listen Ino," Naruto said, having finally freed his arm from her grip. "I really, REALLY need to get back to Tsunade-baachan's place before-"

"Oh, don't be such a prude, Naruto. It's not every day that you find a good excuse to have a party, right?"

"Well...I guess, but still-"

"Then come on and enjoy yourself!" she practically demanded. "I hear this place even has a style of ramen that can only be found in Kumogakure."

Naruto's eyes glazed slightly. "Oh, ramen," he said, trying not to drool. "I haven't eaten any since...yesterday!"

"It's decided then. Hey waitress!" Ino called to a passing woman. "I need a green tea while we wait for our friends, please!"

----------

Temari grinned. Uzumaki Naruto. He was certainly vocal about his feelings and held nothing back, and even better, he was someone that Temari not only knew, but actually liked. She'd never forget the things he'd done to help Gaara, and her in the process, back at the first chunin exams. She realized that she'd never gotten the chance to thank him for that, which she'd have to fix soon.

It also looked like the last two and a half years had been kind to the blond boy. He'd grown much taller and no longer looked like a little kid. Plus, he appeared to have gotten rid of that God-awful orange jumpsuit. Much more attractive than the last time she'd seen him for sure.

Under normal circumstances, Naruto was someone that she could certain enjoy getting to know better, but in the meantime...

"We have a winner," she whispered. She motioned with a jerk of her head over to the table that Ino had practically shoved Naruto into. The weapons mistress turned to where she had gestured, and blinked in surprise.

"Is that...Naruto?" she wondered aloud. She hadn't realized that he'd come back to Konoha, and he certainly looked a lot different than she remembered. It definitely wasn't a bad change, either.

"Yep. I trust there are no objections...?"

Tenten considered the new development. As far as choices for men went, Temari could have picked a lot worse than Naruto. Sure, he was incredibly loud, a little too energetic and overly enthusiastic, but to be fair; so was Lee. And at least Naruto didn't wear spandex and talk for hours on end about fires of youth and crap like that.

And she didn't understand why exactly, but the boy just seemed to possess this...certain something that could change a person for the better. She'd seen so first hand after his fight with Neji. Whether it was the act of being humbled by someone that he had deemed inferior to himself or that emotional speech he'd given after it was over with, she wasn't sure, but Neji was like a new person from that day on.

Lee too, in fact. When he'd been injured at the exams, it had been Naruto who had brought back the one person, and Tenten's personal mentor, who could successfully heal him again.

Of all the available people that Tenten knew, Naruto was probably the best choice for such a situation.

"Okay, Naruto it is, then."

"Good, then are there any other last minute rules, or can I go ahead and start winning?"

Tenten grunted at the taunt. "Yes. Since this is Naruto we're dealing with, you can't threaten, blackmail, hurt or torture him into picking you."

"What sort of barbarian do you think I am?" Temari questioned angrily. "I don't need to force a guy to fall for me when the only competition I have is you!"

"You think so?"

"Without a doubt. Now sit back and watch me prove it." So saying, the Suna kunoichi stood up and began striding over to Naruto and Ino's table. But she didn't make it two feet before stumbling forward and falling over a chair before her.

"Clumsy you," Tenten smirked, tossing away the broken half of her bo-staff. "But hey, maybe you'll get lucky and Naruto will be attracted to klutzes."

Temari growled as Tenten stepped past her, failing to grab her leg as she went. Picking herself up, she moved to catch up with her.

----------

"Man, these things are dry," the young scientist commented idly.

His partner didn't feel the need to grant him a response.

"Hey Ashida, let's stop for a drink real quick," Mokoto suggested. "These muffins are drying my mouth out terribly."

"No."

"Aww, come on!" he whined.

Ashida ignored the younger man again. _Just breathe deeply,_ he told himself. _Count backwards from ten, and think happy thoughts_.

"Come on, Ashida! I'm dying here, buddy!"

_Ten...nine...eight..._

"It's not like we're in that big a hurry anyway!'

_Seven...Screw it!_

"Would you please, just this once...STOP YOUR INANE BITCHING AND CONCENTRATE ON WHAT'S IMPORTANT?!"

A strong breeze blew through as random passersby paused to stare at the sudden outburst by the bespeculated man. Mokoto, however, barely looked fazed by the vocal display.

"Sounds to me like you could use a drink more than I could," he stated calmly.

Ashida looked ready to commit a felony, his eye twitching so badly it looked like his entire face was shaking. But as people began clearing the area to avoid any impending bloodbaths, his whole body sagged.

"I give up. You win," he said hoarsely. "Five minutes. One drink. And if Hokage-sama questions us, it's all your fault."

Mokoto slapped him lightly on the back. "You're a true friend, you know that?" He turned to walk into the building that they had stopped in front of when Ashida grabbed his arm. "What now?" he asked.

"We can't go in there."

"Why not? I've wanted to check this place out ever since it opened."

"Can't you read the sign? It says 'Shinobi only'."

Mokoto stared up at the sign, as if seeing it for the first time. Casually, he draped his arm across Ashida's shoulders and pulled him closer to him.

"Well confidentially," he whispered in a dramatic 'hush-hush' tone. "My cousin taught me how to throw a kunai a few weeks ago, and now I can hit a target four out of ten times. That makes me like one-sixteenth of a shinobi, and that should be good enough for them."

He removed his arm and began walking into the restaurant. "And if anyone asks, just tell them that you're with me, alright?"

Ashida stood, his hands clenched so tightly that the glass container of their potion threatened to shatter from the pressure.

"Must...Not...Kill..." he whispered his new mantra.

----------

As Naruto was busy glancing through the vast assortment of food choices from his menu and Ino waited not-so-patiently for her teammates to arrive, she happened to notice Tenten and Temari approaching. Her eyes widened slightly when she saw the state that they were both in.

"What happened to you two?" she asked.

The question caught Naruto's attention, and he looked up from his menu. "Whoa! Tenten, Temari...you guys are a mess," he stated, completely void of any tact.

The two girls in question appeared to notice for the first time just how tattered and ruffled they currently looked. Luckily for Naruto, they seemed more embarrassed by their own appearances than angry over the way he had so vocally pointed it out.

"Did you two just get back from a mission or something?" Ino asked.

"Erm, no...kitchen disaster," Tenten replied.

"Wow, looks like a hurricane hit the place," Naruto asked.

"Yeah...almost," Temari admitted, looking sheepish.

"Well have a seat," Ino offered. "We'll start 'Naruto's Return Home' celebration once those other lazy fools get here."

The two kunoichi offered a quick glare to the other before quickly sliding into a seat on either side of Naruto. For his part, Naruto grew a bit uncomfortable at the close proximity he was now sharing with the two women. He calmed himself, remembering that neither of them were Kin, so he shouldn't have to worry about unexpected physical contact or anything of the sort.

Not even a second after thinking that, he felt a leg slowly rub up against his own beneath the table.

"So Naruto," the Suna girl began, giving him a ghost of a smile. "We haven't seen each other since that first Chunin Exam three years ago, and even then we never really spoke, did we? I must have left some kind of impression on you to have you still remember me so easily after all that time. Have you been thinking about me?"

Naruto's face turned crimson. That suggestive tone of voice, until recently, had been like a foreign language to him. But having heard it multiple times over the last couple of weeks from his female traveling companion, he could now recognize it in an instant.

But that still didn't explain why he was now hearing it coming from Sabaku no Temari.

"Uh...well, you know," he stammered. The leg rubbing against him wasn't helping his discomfort any. "I just...I kind of, er...well, Gaara...and..." His mumbled words only became more indistinguishable from there.

Temari's smile grew, liking the effect she was having on him already. This stupid bet was in the bag.

On the other side of the boy, Tenten growled. She'd always thought that Temari was a devious and conniving woman, but even she wouldn't have believed that she would be so forward this quickly with Naruto.

The tramp!

"Hey Naruto-kun," she spoke up, working a smile back onto her face. "You and Jiraiya-sama have been gone for more than two years now, haven't you? You must have learned a few things while you were away, right?"

Naruto brightened, happy to have a distraction from any more embarrassing questions, and more importantly, having an excuse to turn his body so that Temari's leg was no longer brushing up against his. "Yeah, Ero-sennin taught me a few things. Mostly we just traveled around a lot, and I did have to keep dragging him away from all the bathhouses and brothels, but when he actually took the time to teach me..."

Now it was Temari's turn to growl as Naruto began conversing with Tenten. She obviously wouldn't be making much progress with that little chunin bitch constantly interfering. She'd have to figure out a way of...incapacitating her long enough to get Naruto alone for a while. After all, she hadn't made any rule against that, and all was fair in love and war, right? She began planning the downfall of her adversary. She could beat her over the head with her fan until she suffered terminal brain damage...but that might look a bit suspicious.

Ino, meanwhile, was having a difficult time coming to grips with the current situation. Unless she was going senile, it almost looked like Tenten and Temari were fighting for Naruto's attention. She'd noticed the blatant scowls the two had been giving each other since they had sat down, and they _were_ sitting awfully close to the blond boy...

She shook her head. Nah, it just wasn't possible. This was Uzumaki Naruto, after all, the Anti-Sasuke when it came to girls. She could hardly imagine one girl being interested in the loudmouth fool, much less two of them. Three if she were to count Sakura, though that wasn't anything definite, either.

There had to be some reasonable explanation for the two girls acting the way they were...Maybe they were just in really good moods? Or maybe it was a jealousy tactic. She was pretty certain that Tenten had it in for Hyuga Neji, and though she was bitter to admit it, Temari had 'something' going with Shikamaru, she was sure. But still, using Naruto of all guys to make someone jealous?

Or maybe-

"Ah, Yamanaka-san!"

Ino turned, having lost her thoughts at seeing two men in their late twenties, wearing filthy lab coats walking toward their table. The first was smiling pleasantly, looking like he hadn't a care in the world, while the other had a disgruntled scowl plastered on his face.

Ino studied the man, wondering where she knew him from. The face looked familiar. "Um...Hitokiri-san, right?"

"Just Mokoto, please," he corrected her. "Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to thank you for that flower bouquet you picked out for me last week. It really got me out of the doghouse with the Mrs."

Now she remembered. "Sure thing," she said modestly. "If it's flowers you need, I've got any occasion covered: Birthday bouquets, anniversary bouquets, or in your case, the 'forgive-me-for-saying-the-wrong-name-in-bed' bouquet."

Naruto, Tenten and Temari, who had still been wrapped up in their own conversations, happened to catch the last of Ino's statement, and sweatdropped badly at Mokoto while the scientist turned slightly red and rubbed his head in embarrassment.

"You sicken me," Ashida grumbled audibly from behind him.

Mokoto snapped his fingers. "That reminds me." He leaned in a bit closer to Ino. "Yamanaka-san, my partner there needs a woman like nobody's business. Any possible way you could give him some female advice? You know, just to help his chances a bit?"

"We are leaving NOW!" Ashida commanded, already turning to leave.

"Aw, wait up, pal! You seriously could use this!" Mokoto reached out and grabbed his reluctant partner by the arm, pulling him back to the table.

"Careful, you idiot!" Ashida shouted as he lost his footing and collided with the table, sending it and him falling to the floor. In the confusion, Mokoto managed to grab the beaker as it flew from his partner's hand, Ino saved her cup of tea from falling with the table, and the remaining three managed to clear the area before getting caught up in the damage.

Through all the confusion, nobody happened to notice when a good dose of the serum flew from its beaker and splashed lightly across Ino's lowered cup.

Ashida stumbled to his feet, glaring furiously at Mokoto. "YOU...DUMBASS!"

Mokoto took a few steps back, positioning a chair between himself and his irate partner. "D-don't get overexcited, Ashida buddy. It was an honest mistake, and look: I saved the formula! It's still almost completely full!"

The older man ripped the beaker from his assistant's hand. "Hokage...NOW!" he seethed.

Mokoto gulped. Having worked with Ashida for some time now, he knew when he was about to cross that dangerous line and he'd already passed it about ten minutes ago. "Whatever you say, pal."

"Don't call me 'pal'!" Ashida growled as he stomped out the front door.

"Ashida, that hurts when you say stuff like that!" he called after him. Sighing in defeat, he turned back to the group. "Well, uh...rain check on that advice thing, Yamanaka-san. Business and stuff to take care of now. Sorry about the mess!" And with that, he was out the door as well, leaving an awkward silence in his absence.

"That guy is really..." Naruto muttered out loud as he helped Tenten replace the fallen table.

"I feel sorry for his partner," Temari commented bluntly.

Ignoring the other's comments, Ino absently lifted her cup to her mouth, but no sooner had the warm liquid touched her throat she started choking. In a panic, Naruto jumped over the table and began slapping her on the back, accidentally putting in a little more force than was necessary.

"Are you okay, Ino?" he asked her once the coughing had subsided.

Ino waited a moment to get her breathing back under control, then turned back to confront him. He'd hit her so hard she'd almost been knocked off her feet. He was gonna get it for that! He was...

She gave him a strange look, as though she were seeing the blond for the first time ever.

He was...

Naruto didn't seem to take notice of Ino's odd stare. "You shouldn't drink so fast, Ino," he told her with a humored smirk, though his voice held concern in it as well.

Ino didn't respond.

He was...

...The most gorgeous man she'd ever laid eyes on.

Both Temari and Tenten noticed the look Ino was giving Naruto. The boy seemed to realize it just a split second after the girls did. "Er, Ino? Are you o-"

All of a sudden, the boy's body seemed to stop working, and he found himself unable to speak. It wasn't that he didn't know what to say next, it was just that there appeared to be some unidentifiable object covering his mouth, making any form of speech literally impossible. In his confusion, he thought he'd give it a try anyway.

To his dismay, opening his mouth only seemed to make the situation worse, as now there appeared to be something soft and wet moving around inside it.

It wasn't...an unpleasant feeling; he just wished that he could get his mind to focus enough to know what exactly was happening. He was vaguely aware of a pair of slim hands roaming their way along his back, and coming dangerously close to his posterior. That was something unusual, though he did remember Kin doing something similar a few times before. But Kin wasn't here. So that meant...

His brain then commanded all vital senses to kick it up a notch and sort the situation out quickly. Sight was first, as once the blurs vanished from his vision, he found himself staring into someone's face, which was positioned right up against his own. The object impeding his mouth was another mouth, which logically meant that the object inside his mouth was the tongue that belonged in this other mouth.

Kiss, his brain concluded. He was receiving a kiss. The first one he'd ever had that wasn't on the cheek or the forehead!

This was great!

But then, it might not be great. The cloudiness in his brain wasn't allowing him to remember who it was that was kissing him. Before he got too excited, he deducted that more information was needed.

Sight picked up another bit of info. Though the face was too close to determine who it was, it did have traces of long blonde hair falling along the side of it.

Smell had discovered something interesting as well. This person that was passionately invading his personal space smelled like flowers and watermelon. Flowers stuck out as important information for some reason, and his brain made a note of it.

Hearing was worthless. Everything except for the person before him was dead silent, though for a moment he thought he heard the sound of a door opening and footsteps walking into the building. But that wasn't important now.

Touch had something to report next. There seemed to be two soft, round objects pressing firmly into his chest. Upon closer investigation, it was determined that these objects were breasts. That information made it conclusive that this person who was kissing him was most definitely a woman.

That knowledge made him feel a whole lot better.

Naruto's brain scrambled to put the pieces together. Woman...blond...smelled like flowers...

And just as his brain was on the verge of a breakthrough, it was sidetracked by a sudden and unwelcome explosion of pain.

----------

"Shouldn't we be hurrying a little more, Shikamaru?"

The teenage genius shrugged lazily. "What's the point? We're already late, so she's gonna yell at us either way. Why not take our time and delay the inevitable a bit?"

His large companion thought about that while he shoved a handful of potato chips into his mouth. "I guess you're right, but if we take too long won't she come looking for us?"

Shikamaru frowned. "Good point," he said tiredly.

As the two begrudgingly picked up their pace a little, they heard someone call out to them. Turning, they spotted Sakura jogging toward them in a black tank-top and red and black checkered skirt. Choji grinned and waved cheerfully to the approaching girl while Shikamaru simply raised his arm and then let it drop down again.

"Hey guys," she greeted, leaning over slightly to catch her breath. "Seen Ino around?"

"She's waiting for us at the Date-ken," Shikamaru told her. "Why?"

Sakura fidgeted faintly. "Well, it's just...I talked to her earlier and she said she'd be keeping an eye out for Naruto..."

"Oh yeah," Choji muttered, him mouth once again packed with chips. "Naruto's supposed to be back today, isn't he?"

Sakura nodded. "Yeah, but I haven't seen him anywhere yet, so I was wondering if...maybe she had?"

"If she did, she probably dragged him off to the Date-ken with her so she could wait for us," Shikamaru rationalized. "You can come along if you want."

"Yeah," Choji agreed. "Maybe if you're there she won't yell at us for taking so long."

As the trio made their way to the Date-ken, Sakura suddenly felt herself growing nervous again. What would Naruto look like now? Would he still be the immature loudmouth that he'd been before? Would he still have his old crush on her?

She shook her head. She was being ridiculous, she told herself. Why was she getting so worked up? This was just Naruto for crying out loud. Just the immature, loud, obnoxious, sweet, friendly, cheerful, golden-hearted Naru-

She shook her head even harder, receiving stares from the two boys.

"You okay, Sakura?" Choji asked with mild concern.

"Y-yeah, fine. Just uh...th-there was a fly in my face, that's all," she lied, laughing lightly to hopefully appear more innocent. But the boys just shrugged and turned away again.

Sakura internally sighed. She had to stop thinking like this so much. Naruto was a teammate and a good friend, one whom she hadn't seen in years. And until they were actually able to start spending time together again, it was a waste of time to start thinking of being anything more than that just because she'd been feeling so lonely. A teammate and a friend was all that she needed right now.

"Hey, look."

Sakura looked up, searching for whatever Choji was signaling toward. Following their gaze, she saw the restaurant a few buildings away. Standing outside it, peeking through the window, was Hyuga Hinata. The trio shared a confused look as they walked up behind her. Slowly, Sakura reached out and tapped the girl lightly on the shoulder.

"Hinata?"

The girl in question shrieked in surprise and nearly jumped out of her skin. She turned to face the group, guilt written all over her face.

"Wha'cha doing, Hinata?" Choji asked curiously.

"Ah...S-Sakura, S-Shikamaru, Choji! I-I...I um..."

In an attempt to keep the panicked girl from fainting, Shikamaru changed the subject. "You didn't happen to see Ino in there, did you, Hinata?"

"Y-y-yes," the still shaken girl answered.

Choji gulped. "Did she happen to look incredibly ticked off about something?"

Hinata shook her head. "No, n-not really. She just...was talking with Temari-san and Tenten, and...N-Naruto-k-kun."

Sakura perked up. "Naruto's here?"

Hinata nodded a confirmation.

"Alright!" Choji shouted, pumping his fist in the air. "Let's get inside and eat!"

Shikamaru nodded. "Care to join us, Hinata?"

A powerful blush spread across the Hyuga heir's face. "Ah, n-n-no, I c-couldn't impose like that!"

Sakura smiled. "Don't worry about it, Hinata. Naruto's been gone for years, I'll bet he'll be happy to see you again."

"Yeah," Choji prompted. "The more the merrier, right?"

Hinata still couldn't get her blush under control. "You...r-really think Naruto-kun w-would w-want to see...m-me?"

"Sure," Sakura assured her. "After all, he's spent the last two and a half years traveling around with no one but Jiraiya-sama for company. We'll have to make sure he hasn't been corrupted into a full-blown pervert after all this time."

Hinata bit her lip. "I-I'm sure Naruto-kun would n-never..."

"I suggest we all continue the conversation inside," Shikamaru suggested. "The longer we wait, the more violent Ino's gonna get, you know?"

With a confirming nod, the four teenagers walked into the Date-ken-

-And froze as they were greeted with the sight of Naruto and Ino glued together by their lips.

Ino seemed to be enjoying herself immensely, if the moans and the wondering hands were any indication, while Naruto stood stiff as a board, staring off into space with glazed-over eyes. Temari and Tenten stood to the side, looking rather uncomfortable but not knowing what else to do.

Hinata was the first to react, covering her mouth with her hands and dashing out of the restaurant and hoping the escape the horrible vision that she had just witnessed.

Shikamaru and Choji shared a look of shock, then glanced back at the scene before them. They both wanted to say something, but couldn't seem to form the words.

Sakura went through about seven different emotions in five seconds. First there was shock, followed quickly by hurt and denial, then betrayal, anger, heartbreak, and finally coming to rest on raw, white-hot fury.

Glowing with a sickly pink aura, the teenage titaness sprang forward and sent a devastating punch into the side of Naruto's head, firing him like a rocket across the room and through the door to the kitchen.

Before the swinging door even had time to close behind him, furious shouting and banging was heard and Naruto returned, sailing even faster back out of the kitchen than he had in being sent in.

"EMPLOYEES ONLY!" everyone heard the old chef roar. They all watched as Naruto's body flew right out the front door, Shikamaru and Choji just barely getting out of the way in time.

"Naruto-chan!" Ino cried, running out to check on him.

Still blazing in anger, Sakura stormed out of the restaurant without a second look back.

An awkward silence passed over the remaining shinobi.

"This...is bound to be troublesome," Shikamaru said.

"Does this mean the party's already over?" Choji asked sadly.

The genius sighed. "Well, at least one good thing came out of this."

Choji looked at him questioningly.

"She never did freak out on us," he explained.

"Hey, you're right!"

----------

Tenten and Temari walked idly down the street. They had left the restaurant after the fireworks had gone off, trying to digest the strange new developments that had risen in the last twenty minutes.

"Why do I have the feeling we're about to get mixed up in something really complicated?" Tenten wondered aloud.

"Who'd have guessed the guy would be so popular all of a sudden?" Temari agreed. "That teammate of his seems like quite the jealous type."

"Sakura I guess I can understand, but Ino? If I hadn't seen it myself I'd have laughed at the thought of it."

"Don't forget the quiet one."

Tenten blinked. "Hinata? What about her?"

"You didn't see the look on her face when she saw them? She looked like a five-year-old whose puppy just died."

Tenten could barely believe it. Uzumaki Naruto, the guy whom nobody ever looked twice at when she first met him now had caught the attention of at least three beautiful young women? Where had that come from? It couldn't be his looks. Sure, he was much better looking than when he was twelve, but there were definitely hotter guys around.

Things were getting confusing, and it was making her head hurt.

"So...what do we do now?" she asked.

The wind mistress gave her a blank look. "What do you mean?"

"Well, we're obviously going to have to pick a different guy-"

"Not a chance!"

Tenten blinked in bewilderment. "What?"

Temari grinned confidently. "We both agreed that it was going to be Naruto, didn't we? So there's a little more competition that we thought, if I'm going to prove that I'm more desirable than you, I might as well go the whole nine yards and prove that I'm more desirable than any woman in all of Konoha!"

"Are you serious?!" Tenten gasped. "You'd actually play with the emotions of people who might truly be in love just to win this stupid bet?"

"Either that, or you could admit your inferiority to me and go turn in your resignation paper," she said with a smirk.

The weapon's expert twitched.

_Screw true love! _

"Fine then! If I have to make Naruto choose me over Ino, Sakura and Hinata to make certain that I beat you too, then that's exactly what I'm going to do!"

Temari flashed a familiar smirk. "We'll see, little chunin girl." She walked past her, but called back over her shoulder, "But for your sake, I hope you're willing to go the distance, because I know that I am."

Tenten sneered at the departing form, and then walked off herself, each girl going to make plans for the upcoming battle.

----------

Sakura had almost made it back to her house before she finally began to calm down. The visions of Naruto and Ino locked together in such a passionate kiss continued to play over and over in her mind. Anger was slowly dissipating into sadness, mainly because she couldn't figure out who she was more upset with.

_Why didn't Naruto ever tell me that he and Ino had a thing with each other? Hell, why didn't Ino say anything? She's been teasing me for months about how I was supposedly falling for him, and now she's suddenly all over him the minute he comes home? Is she just trying to get back at me for not letting her have Sasuke?_

More questions came, but the most important one wasn't 'Why', but rather 'How' and 'When'. Naruto had been gone for over two years, and she knew that there hadn't been any romantic feelings between him and Ino before he'd left. So how could they have grown so close so damn quickly? Had Naruto been secretly writing letters to her, too, and Ino just never told her? Or maybe they had met up somewhere when Ino and her team were out on a mission and the two had had a quick fling together before Ino came back to the village.

Whatever the reason, she didn't have any answers for them. All she knew for sure was that she hadn't felt this bad since the night that Sasuke had left her.

In fact...this felt even worse.

---------

Jiraiya slowly made his way back down the same hallway that he'd walked not twenty minutes ago, heading back to Tsunade's office.

He knew she was going to be pissed with them, but holy crap! He'd actually landed _outside_ the village after going through a brick wall! With any luck, she'd put all of her anger into that punch, and would be a bit more civilized now.

Slowly creaking the door open, he poked his head in and saw her sitting calmly at her desk, looking at a sheet of paper. Steeling himself, he walked in, noting that there was no one else in the room.

"Where's the girl?" he asked cautiously.

"I sent her with a few assistants of mine to get a place set up for her," Tsunade replied, not looking up from the paper. "If she's going to be staying here for some time, she'll need a place to live."

"Ah," the male sannin said.

"She was very adamant about being near Naruto for some reason," the Godaime continued, a strain of accusation hidden in her voice. "Fortunately, not many other people live in Naruto's apartment, so I put her in the room next door."

"Ah," Jiraiya said again, not really knowing what else to say. Seeing that he didn't appear to be in any more danger, he quietly took a seat in front of the desk.

"That girl had quite the interesting story," Tsunade commented lightly. "It seems that she has been traveling with the two of you for the last three weeks."

"That's right," he said with a nod.

"And she was once an Oto nin, serving under Orochimaru during the chunin exams three years ago."

"Yep."

"And..." She paused, glancing over the paper a final time. "She apparently died at the hands of Orochimaru himself back at that same chunin exam."

She finally looked up from the paper at her old teammate, who simply nodded in silence this time. She gave him a skeptical look, feeling like she was being made the brunt of some stupid joke, but Jiraiya's face was completely serious.

"Care to explain?" she finally asked.

Jiraiya turned his gaze to the broken window that Naruto had gone out before, then to the door. "The brat isn't back yet?"

"He should be soon. I didn't send him nearly as far as I did you."

Jiraiya scowled. "Why did he get off easy?"

"HE didn't grab my chest!"

"You liked it and you know it! You could have stopped me easily if you'd really wanted to."

The two glared daggers at the other for a few seconds, before Tsunade relented. "Are you planning on waiting for Naruto to help you tell this story?"

"No, I'd rather you hear it before he gets here. There are a few things that I definitely don't need him knowing about."

"Well, let's hear it then."

They both sat back down again. Tsunade took a bottle of sake and poured herself some, then handed the bottle to Jiraiya, who simply gulped the bottle down.

"Okay, the whole thing started about three weeks ago, like you said. We were up in the Waterfall Country, and as luck would have it, we came across another one of Orochimaru's abandoned labs..."

----------

End Chapter 1

Whew, well quite frankly, I really wanted this chapter to be longer, because I had a lot more stuff that I wanted to fit into this one before getting into the next chapter. Unfortunately, I've already discovered that my comfort level for chapters are in the range of 4,000 to 8,000 words long, which is where I'm sitting now. On the bright side, I have plenty already written on chapter 2, which will move things quicker for me there.

For those who haven't guessed yet, this won't be a harem-type fic where all of the girls suddenly realize they're in love with Naruto (with the exception of Hinata, who doesn't count since she already loved him, and Sakura, who I gave reasons for). Instead, this will be a harem fic filled to the brim with competition and catfights, boat-loads of misunderstandings and sticky situations, and an overall "Thrill-of-the-Chase" theme for the women involved.

Like this time, it will probably be a while before I update this again, as I'm still working most of the time on Pride of Suna, but perhaps I'll have the next part out a little sooner than this one was. Here's hoping, I guess.

By the way, Naruto's reaction to Ino's kiss might seem a bit over the top, but I would put that down in association to the phrase of "Having your world rocked." I imagine Ino's the kind of girl who could do that to a guy who's never been kissed before, ya know?

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed before, and a thank you to all of those still reading and those planning to review in the future. Your continued support is always appreciated.

Have a nice day.

LL


	3. 2: Revelations of A Good & Bad Sort

Legacy here. I've hit a rough patch on the latest PoS chapter, and since it's been a while, I thought I'd get a new Konoha Playboy chapter out for you all. Not a lot to say here other than thanks for the reviews, and I hope you enjoy it. I'll also be going back and editing the mistakes found in the last two chapters as well...eventually.

Read on, if you will.

----------

The Dangers of Being a Konoha Playboy

By Legendary Legacy

A Naruto Harem-fic

Standard Disclaimers Still Apply

----------

Chapter 2--Revelations of A Good & Bad Sort

Flashback...

"Ero-sennin, if we already know that the snake bastard and Sasuke aren't here, then what are we looking for?"

"Clues, dummy," the hermit answered in an obvious tone. "Evidence, anything we can use that might give us some sort of idea as to where they really are or what they've been up to all this time."

"Oh, that's a good idea," Naruto admitted. "I'm surprised you thought of that, Ero-sennin."

"And I'm NOT surprised that you DIDN'T think of it, brat!"

Naruto crossed his arms and stuck his tongue out at him. Jiraiya returned the feeling with an obscene hand gesture.

"Start searching," he commanded. "And for God's sake, watch out for traps this time!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Naruto grumbled. "Jeez, you set off one little trap that drops you into a spiked pit full of venomous snakes with dozens of kunai raining down on you and they never let you forget it."

The whole underground lab was surprisingly simple. It was basically just a round room, about a hundred feet in diameter, with a bunch of assorted junk scattered around on lab tables and rusty old cabinets. With the amount of dust that everything had collected, it almost looked more like an abandoned warehouse than a place for wickedly evil experiments.

As Jiraiya moved to the middle of the room, examining bottles and flasks on the tables, Naruto began circling around the room. The whole place really was a big junk heap. Stopping at a large filing cabinet, Naruto tentatively pulled the top drawer open, almost expecting more snakes or bats to come spilling out of it. Fortunately, all he found inside were folders filled to the seams with papers.

Pulling a slip out and scanning it, Naruto found that he couldn't make heads or tails of it. It was just a large group of numbers and random letters with a smattering of large words that he couldn't comprehend. He tossed it aside and picked up another, finding more of the same. Sighing in irritation, he dropped the folder back into the drawer, closed it, and pulled on the second, only to find it stuck tight.

Frowning, he tugged on the handle again, but it still wouldn't budge. He took a step back and cracked his knuckles. Then he grasped the handle with both hands, braced his feet up against the sides of the cabinet, and jerked with all his strength. Not only did the drawer fly completely out of the cabinet, but the force of the push against the cabinet sent it crashing through the wall it sat against, leaving a large hole in its place.

"Damnit, Naruto!" Jiraiya shouted after the resulting crash has stopped echoing through the lair. "Would you be a little quieter? There could still be people here!"

"Sorry," Naruto groaned, pushing the drawer off of his midsection. Looking inside, he was dismayed to find that whatever had been inside had completely shattered, leaving nothing but glass shards in its place. Standing up, he moved back to the cabinet, which was now sticking halfway out of a newly made hole in the stone wall behind it. With a great heave, he lifted the large metal object and pushed it back where it had been. But as he went to inspect the last drawer, he happened to look inside the hole behind it.

It was nearly pitch-black within, but there was just enough light pouring in through the hole to show Naruto that there was something inside.

"Hey, Ero-sennin," he called over his shoulder. "I think I found something!"

"Just a minute, Naruto," Jiraiya replied distractedly. The sannin's brow was furrowed deeply as he scanned through a small black notebook that he'd found under a stack of papers on the desk.

Naruto, impatient as always, went against better judgment and crawled through the hole anyway.

He gazed around the new room, trying to force his eyes to adjust to the darkness quicker. Slowly but surely, the outlines of many large objects began coming into focus, and Naruto started baby-stepping his way toward them, being extra wary of traps this time.

He hadn't walked more than ten feet in when he unceremoniously banged his knee against something metal in front of him. Cussing sharply at the sudden pain, he brought his fist down to bang on top of the offending object, and as luck would have it, he managed to slam it down on a large red button.

A soft beeping sounded the second the button was hit. A computer screen suddenly flashed on, illuminating the small keyboard that Naruto had just struck and a mechanized voice began speaking from it.

"STAND BY FOR INITIAL POD SCAN." the monotone voice buzzed, causing Naruto to fall backward in panic. He had no idea what he'd done, but he also didn't dare take the risk of pressing another button. He waited on pins and needles as a series of beeps, whirls and clicks generated throughout the room.

"POD SCAN COMPLETE." the computer informed him. "LIFE-FORM STATUS OF PODS 1 THROUGH 9: EMPTY. LIFE-FORM STATUS OF PODS 10 THROUGH 27: INCOMPLETE. LIFE-FORM STATUS OF PODS 28 THROUGH 30: COMPLETE. LIFE-FORM STATUS OF PODS 31 THROUGH 38: INCOMPLETE. LIFE-FORM STATUS OF PODS 38 THROUGH 50: EMPTY. INITIATING REVITALIZATION PROCESS FOR COMPLETED PODS. PLEASE STAND BY."

From the opposite end of the room, three large glass 'pods', as the computer had identified them, lit up. From his distance, Naruto could see that each of them held what looked like a human inside them, though he was unable to make out their appearance. Paranoid to the point where he believed that merely taking a single step might cause the entire room to crash down upon him, Naruto did the only thing he could think of.

"ERO-SENNIN!"

Moments later, a head with billowing white hair appeared in the hole that Naruto had entered. "Naruto, what-?" he froze at the sight of the operating computer that stood behind the boy. "What did you do?!" he demanded.

"It was an accident, I swear!" the boy cried. "I just accidentally hit a button and now-!"

The computer chose that moment to interject. "REVITALIZATION FOR POD 28 LIFE-FORM, KD-1, COMPLETE."

The hermit and genin duo turned to the lit pods, watching with bated breath as the glass lifted off the ground, spilling a mass of unknown liquid across the floor. The occupant of the pod soon followed, collapsing in a heap in the spreading puddle.

"REVITALIZATION FOR POD 29 LIFE-FORM, AZ-1. COMPLETE."

The process repeated itself as the pod next to the first released it's occupant as well.

"WARNING: UNFORSEEN PROBLEMS HAVE OCCURED WITH REVITALIZATION FOR POD 30 LIFE-FORM, TK-1. REVITALIZATION INCOMPLETE. PLEASE PERFORM MANUAL RESUSCITATION IMMEDIATELY."

The final lit tube rose just like the others, letting the final 'life-form' fall limply to the floor next to the others.

"REVITALIZATION PROCESS COMPLETE. INITIATING AUTO-SYSTEM SHUT DOWN." And with that, the screen went blank.

Naruto and Jiraiya glanced at each other, wary to approach whatever had come from the tubes when two of the three began to move. With the computer and the lights over the pods out, the only light left was from a small torch that Jiraiya had brought along. The shadowy figures rose, one to its knees, the other to a seated position, and glanced around.

"What the hell?" they heard one of them speak. "Where am I?"

"Wha...? Zaku? That you?" the other questioned.

"Dosu? What the hell's going on? Where are we? ...Why are we both naked and wet?!"

"Beat's the hell outta me. My head's a bit fuzzy...feels like I've been asleep for a long time."

"Yeah, same here, now that you mention it..."

Naruto and Jiraiya shared a quick look, then moved toward the conversing boys. They made it less than halfway when their footsteps caught the boy's attention.

"Shit!" One of them shouted. "Let's get outta here!"

The other grunted an agreement, but his head turned back to the unmoving body next to him. "But what about-?"

"Forget her!" the first growled. "If she can't move on her own she'll just slow us down! Come on!"

Both boy's leapt to their feet and made a mad dash up a stairway at the end of the long line of pods, never looking back at their abandoned companion.

Silence reigned for several long moments before Naruto came to his senses. "Shouldn't we have chased after them, Ero-sennin?"

In truth, Jiraiya wasn't sure if that would have been the better choice or not. He needed some explanation for what this place was and what was going on in it, but judging for the short talk he'd picked up from the two, he highly doubted if they would have been able to tell him anything.

"Dosu and Zaku..." he muttered while rubbing his chin. "Either of those names familiar to you, boy?"

Naruto pondered that as well. "I think I've heard the names before somewhere...but I can't remember. Maybe if I had seen their faces..."

Jiraiya hummed softly, many conflicting thoughts going through his head before setting his eyes on the remaining person, who still had yet to show any signs of life. He approached the curled up body and gently rolled it over onto its back.

His eyes examined the slim body carefully, looking it up and down, then up again, then down again. Then a sharp blow to the head snapped him out of his trance.

"What?" he demanded.

Naruto was giving him a look quite similar to one that he had seen thousands of times on the face of Tsunade.

"Ogling a naked unconscious girl; that's about as low as you can get, Ero-sennin!"

"I was NOT ogling, I was examining her for injuries!" he argued.

"The drool at the edge of your mouth calls you a liar!"

"Whatever. Do you know who she is, by any chance?"

"She's naked! I can't look at-"

"Her face, damnit! Do you recognize her face!?"

Glowing red in embarrassment and irritation, Naruto moved next to girl and ever-so-slowly let his eyes drift down to her face, using his hands to block his field of vision of everything below her neckline.

This was pointless, he felt sure. What were the chances that he was going to know who this girl was?

"Hey! I know her!"

Jiraiya's eyebrows rose. "Really?"

"Yeah! She's uh...uhh..."

Who was she? He was certain that he recognized that face and the long, dark hair, but he couldn't put a name or a place with it. ...Haku? No wait, that had turned out to be a guy, and this was most clearly a woman. Who else...

"Well," Jiraiya urged impatiently. "She's who?"

"Gimmie a minute, I'm trying to remember!" he snapped.

It was someone more recent than Haku anyway. Someone from the time of the Chunin Exams, maybe?

His eyes lit up and he snapped his fingers. "Got it! She was one of the Sound genin from the Chunin Exams who was trying to help Orochimaru capture Sasuke! Those other two who ran away, Dosu and Zaku, they were her teammates. I remember that much."

"What's her name?"

"Umm...It started with a 'K', I know. Kim or something... It's weird though, once the third round of the chunin exams ended, I never saw any of them again. The one wrapped in bandages was supposed to be at the finals, but he never showed up."

"Then it's safe to say she's not dangerous, correct?"

Naruto scratched his face. "I suppose not. I saw her match against Shikamaru and he beat her pretty easily. Why?"

Jiraiya didn't answer. He turned his gaze back to the motionless girl and, after a moment of mental deliberation, reached down and placed his hand on her chest, mere centimeters above her left breast.

Naruto's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "What the hell are you doing!?" he screeched.

"Would you keep it down?" the sannin requested without looking up from the girl.

"You're GROPING her now!" the boy continued. "Don't you have any shame AT ALL?!"

Jiraiya looked up long enough to give him a firm glare. "I'm not groping anyone. I'm just going to give the girl a small chakra injection."

"A what?"

He gestured absently toward the computer behind them with his free hand. "You heard what the computer said. Something went wrong with her reawakening and told us to perform manual resuscitation, and that's what I'm going to do in order to possibly get some information out of her. Now, there's two ways to do this. The quick and easy way is to inject a tiny amount of chakra into her body, which should be enough to shock her system into running normally again. Or we can do it the other way."

"What's the other way?" Naruto asked cautiously.

"One of us," Jiraiya continued, putting a lot of emphasis on the three words. "-will have to give her mouth-to-mouth until she responds to that."

His face burning brighter than the last time that Jiraiya had forced him to read a chapter of his new Icha Icha novel, he again stared down at the peaceful sleeping face of the girl, then quickly turned away before his eyes betrayed him by looking any further. He wanted nothing more than to help the girl, but he wouldn't be any help at all if he passed out first.

"Just...don't try anything perverted with her, got it?" he finally relented.

Satisfied that he could do what needed to be done without further interruption, Jiraiya applied a light pressure to the girl's chest and placed his other hand on her stomach, directly over the bellybutton.

_Damn but this girl's got some soft skin_, he thought, letting a smirk bloom across his face. _Who says you can't mix business with pleasure?_

"Alright," he said as his hands began to glow a light blue. "Let's hope this works."

Naruto's eyes widened. "What do you mean, 'hope this works'? Haven't you done this before?"

"Not once," the man stated calmly. "But I've seen Tsunade do it plenty of times and she made it seem pretty easy."

"Now hold on a-"

"Here we go!" And before Naruto could protest further, the sannin's hands flared brightly and at the exact same moment, the girl's eyes shot open and a sharp gasp of breath escaped her mouth. Jiraiya quickly pulled his hands away and the girl sat up, sucking in air like someone who had just finished a marathon.

The two males stepped back as the girl began looking around her. She appeared very disoriented, but her breathing was beginning to level out. When she set eyes on the two men standing next to her, she didn't speak, just regarded them curiously.

Naruto decided to take the initiative, hoping to keep her calm. "Er...hi."

The girl focused on him, a dull look of recognition appearing in her eyes. "Who are...?" Then recognition turned to confusion and she slowly looked down at herself, for the first time noticing her own nakedness.

"Oh shit," Jiraiya muttered gravely. "Now I know what that nagging feeling I had was all about."

Even from the wilderness outside of the underground base, the shrill female shriek followed by several whip-cracking slaps could be heard loud and clear.

----------

Tsunade sat back, the cross look on her face fading by a fraction. "You didn't just add that last part to the story to keep me from beating you myself, did you?"

"Do you really think that I could have myself in a situation like that and not get the snot beat out of me in the end?" he asked her seriously.

Tsunade wanted to be able to argue that point, but having known her perverted partner for decades, she realized he was right.

"...So what happened after that?" she urged impatiently.

Jiraiya turned his gaze to the hole he'd made in the wall with a faraway look in his eyes. "After we got her calmed down, I told him to take her outside and said I'd catch up. He actually listened to me that time...thank God."

"At least tell me you figured some things out about all of this," she asked. "Did the girl know anything?"

"Not as much as I'd hoped," he admitted. "For about five days after that she couldn't remember anything. Nothing more than her own name, that is. One night we heard her screaming in her sleep about how she'd been killed. After that her past started coming back to her, but only up to the point where Orochimaru sacrificed her for his Edo Tensei. She couldn't tell us a thing about the lab that we found her in."

"So what is she?" Tsunade demanded. "Revitalizing...was she brought back with Edo Tensei too?"

He shook his head. "It most definitely wasn't Edo Tensei. I know that for a fact. But as to how he did it, or even who or what the girl and the others really are, I just can't say."

"Others...? So does that mean-?"

"Once she and Naruto were gone, I checked out the rest of those pod things. Half of them were empty, but the rest, well..."

Tsunade felt her throat go dry, and cleared it a few times before asking the big question. "Who were they of?"

Jiraiya involuntarily shivered, feeling for the first time in his life like his actual age. "Well, there were at least half a dozen teenage shinobi who, if I looked through our record books, would probably be identified as Orochimaru's Sound Five team who helped Uchiha Sasuke escape from Konoha. ...Oh, and the Uchiha boy himself."

"WHAT?!" The Godaime shouted, almost overturning her desk from standing so quickly. "But Sasuke is still alive, isn't he?"

"That's how I know that whatever this is isn't due to Edo Tensei," he explained, sounding far calmer than he felt. "But it gets worse... The brat was in another one...Kami, I was there, you were there, sensei was there..."

Tsunade was stunned. She fell back into her chair as she felt her legs go weak. "How can that be?"

Jiraiya's grim face grew even darker. "Well...if you think that's bad...there was one more person there that we're both rather familiar with..."

A look of confusion crossed Tsunade's face. "Who...?" Then the confusion turned to dread as realization dawned on her. "You can't possibly mean..."

The look on the hermit's face told her all she needed to confirm her fears. "Oh God." The Hokage took another sake bottle out of her cupboard and drained it in a flash, waiting for it to calm her frayed nerves. "Did you destroy them?"

"No. I couldn't take the risk of accidentally waking any more of them. There's no telling what would have happened then."

"So what did you do?" she prompted.

"I sealed off the entire base with my Seals of Lord Buddha's Mala. One hundred and eight seals placed around the proximity of the base, and they must be dispelled in a precise order. One mistake and the seals reset themselves and you have to start over. Until all one hundred and eight seals are dispelled, no one can enter or leave the area. Even if more of those... things do wake up, they won't be going anywhere for quite a while."

"And what do we do when they eventually do get past it?"

Jiraiya stood up and moved to the window. "By then I hope to have tracked down Orochimaru and gotten a few answers from him about it."

"Is that wise?"

"It's the only option I see. I want to know what sort of technique or technology he's using to create permanent clones of both living and dead people like that."

"...When will you leave?"

Jiraiya smiled weakly. "Not for a while. Until I get some clue as to where he might be hiding I'd just be searching blind. Besides, there're things that I need to do here before I set out again."

"You mean with the girl?" Tsunade inquired.

"That's part of it, but I've been keeping a close eye on her over the last few weeks-"

"I bet you have."

The toad sennin cleared his throat. "-And I can say with utmost certainty that she's not a danger to the village or anyone in it."

Tsunade still looked unconvinced, but didn't comment further. "So what's the other thing?"

A true smirk appeared on Jiraiya's face as he produced a sheet of paper from his vest and held it up for her to see. Grabbing the paper and inspecting it closer, Tsunade had to mentally force herself not to twitch, though she couldn't manage to stop her teeth from grinding.

"You can't be serious!"

"Serious as Desert Fever, honey!" he declared, striking a power-pose. "I've been waiting for this for years, and you'll thank me once it's here!"

"I highly doubt that," she retorted, crumpling up the paper and tossing it back to him. "And don't ever call me 'honey' again."

"Whatever you say, dear."

"I'm warning you, Jiraiya-!"

A sharp knock on the door broke the woman away from her impending threat. "What is it?" she called a little harsher than she'd intended.

The door opened and Shizune stuck her head into the room. "Tsunade-sama, a Tsumaki Ashida and Hitokiri Mokoto are here to see you."

Tsunade gave her a blank look.

"...The men that you put in charge of the Interrogator's Project?"

The blank look didn't waver for several more seconds. "Oh...right, them. Yeah, send them in."

Shizune moved into the room, allowing two men in filthy-looking lab coats to enter next to her. The man in front, with short, black hair and square, wire-rimmed glasses, bowed his head respectfully. "Please pardon our intrusion, Hokage-sama."

His partner, not looking nearly as flustered as his partner if the exceedingly cheerful smile was any indication, stepped forward as well. "Pleasure to see you again, Tsunade-hime. You're looking as lovely as ever today. Muffin?" he offered, presenting said object to her.

Tsunade rolled her eyes at the compliment and refused the muffin. "Do you have-?"

"Oh, Jiraiya-sama," Mokoto interrupted, finally noticing the hermit standing by the window. "A pleasure to see you again as well!" He edged his way over to him and lowered his voice, though everyone else in the room was still able to hear him speak. "Tell me, not to be a pest or anything, but when approximately will the next Icha Icha volume be out?"

"Week from Tuesday," Jiraiya replied. "Though I can't imagine you having the courage to read them. I know your wife..."

The scientist chuckled fearfully. "Believe me, if she knew about it I'm sure she'd remove my...err...interest for your books rather quickly, if you catch my drift."

Jiraiya turned pale as the thought of such a thing caused him to reflexively cross his legs. "Indeed." He jerked his head to the doorway. "Your friend doing okay?"

Mokoto looked over his shoulder to Ashida, who was visibly quivering as he directed death glares at his partner. Undaunted, he turned back to Jiraiya. "Don't worry about him, Jiraiya-sama. He's just had a stressful day."

"AND WHO'S FAULT IS THAT?!" the bespeculated scientist snarled.

"Now, now, Ashida, let's not bring up unnecessary things. We're here for an important reason, after all; let's try to stay focused on that."

Just as the glass beaker was about to shatter in Ashida's tightening grip, Mokoto snatched it away and presented it to Tsunade. "Here it is, Tsunade-hime: Quite possibly the most potent truth serum to ever be concocted."

Tsunade held the liquid-filled vile up to her face, examining the contents. "Quite possibly?" she questioned.

"Well yeah," he replied with a sheepish grin. "It's still untested, so there's always the chance that it isn't a truth serum at all, you know?"

"Why would you bring me something like this if it hasn't been tested?"

"Oh, funny story, actually-"

But before he had a chance to elaborate further, the door was kicked open with a resounding crash, causing Shizune to jump to the side, colliding with Ashida and tumbling to the floor.

"TSUNADE-BAACHAN!" the black and orange blur cried, nearly running over Tsunade and Mokoto in his haste.

"Tsunade...-baachan...trouble...big...Ino...lost it..." he gasped while bent over and trying to catch his breath.

"I can see that two and a half years have done nothing to improve your manners when entering someone else's room," Tsunade greeted the boy dryly. "Now settle down and try again."

Naruto took three more deep breaths and straightened up to look her in the face. "Tsunade-baachan, I think Ino is-"

He stopped himself as his ears suddenly perked up. "Shit!" he cursed. In a flash, he had leapt over the Hokage and the scientist and ducked down underneath the Hokage's desk. Then, on an afterthought, he popped his head back out and very forcefully declared, "You haven't seen me!" and disappeared from view again.

Just as Tsunade was about to yell at him to start explaining himself, the door, for the second time in less than twenty seconds, flew inward, this time hitting Ashida in the back as he attempted to help Shizune back to her feet, and sending them both back into a pile on the floor. The other's attention was set firmly on the new arrival.

"Naruto-chan!" Ino called in a syrupy-sweet voice. She looked around the room, drooping when she didn't find what she was looking for. "That's strange, I'm sure I saw him come in here." She began searching the room a little more thoroughly; oblivious to the looks she was receiving.

"Yamanaka Ino," Tsunade started calmly. "To what do I owe this unexpected visit?"

"I think I know," Mokoto stated. "She must have come after us because she wanted to help Ashida with his women problems." For that, he received a fierce knock on the head from his ill-fated partner.

"I'm looking for my Naruto-chan," Ino said, still looking in every conceivable place that Naruto might be (as well as some places where he couldn't possibly be), unaware of the two sets of eyebrows that rose due to the words 'my Naruto-chan'.

"I...see," Tsunade said. "Why exactly are you looking for him?"

Ino positively turned feral at the question. "Because that Forehead bitch hurt him, and then he ran off for no reason while I was trying to treat his injuries! I know I saw him come in here, but..." Her eyes narrowed as she turned to look at the Hokage. "You're hiding him from me, aren't you?" she accused.

Tsunade's eyes widened to meet her still-raised eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

"Don't play innocent with me! I've seen the way you look at him!"

Tsunade found she was running out of ways to express her ever-increasing confusion. "Excuse me?" she repeated a bit more forcefully.

"I'm warning you right now," Ino growled. "You had better keep away from my man, you old hag!"

Everyone froze in place as they all felt the room temperature drop a good fifteen degrees. Jiraiya, having known Tsunade longer than anyone, slowly began crawling out the hole he'd made in the wall. Shizune was quick to follow his example by escaping into the hallway, not liking her chances of trying to calm Tsunade after this. The two scientists found themselves too terrified to run, and settled for huddling in the corner out of the Hokage's eyesight.

"What. Did. You. Call. Me?" she managed to force out.

Ino stood defiantly against the older woman's killing intent, and was about to fire off a retort when Naruto boldly, but some would call it stupidly, moved himself between the two angry women.

"Wait, Tsunade-baachan! Ino's-"

And that's as far as he got before being flung into the wall, not hard enough to fly right through it, but still enough to embed him into it. Jiraiya stuck his head back in through the hole next to him.

"It's a little late for this now Naruto, but just for future reference: Never ever, under any circumstances, get in the way of a kunoichi catfight."

"I'll keep that in mind," he slurred. Once the room stopped shaking, he saw that the two women were still locked in a battle of glares, and neither seemed to be winning. From the corner of his eye, he noticed the two quivering scientists still in the corner.

"Hey you two," he shouted, drawing their attention. "Ino started acting weird right after you guys left the restaurant! Did one of you do something to make act like this?"

The men blinked in unison. "Do?" Mokoto asked. "We didn't do anything, just tried to have some friendly conversation is all, right Ashida? ...Ashida?"

Not getting a response, Mokoto nudged his partner with his elbow before realizing that Ashida wasn't even looking at him, but at something on the desk behind Tsunade. Mokoto followed his gaze to the black beaker that held their new formula. The carefree man stared at the beaker, then at his partner, then at Ino, then back to Ashida. "You don't think?"

"We did end up spilling a little at the Date-ken," he pointed out.

"Well technically, you're the one who spilled it."

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU..." Ashida bit back his outburst and slowly got to his feet. "Regardless, I have the feeling that Yamanaka-san has inadvertently become our experiment's test subject."

----------

It took several minutes to calm the situation down, but through the combined efforts of everyone present, Tsunade and Ino managed to end their mental battle long enough to hear the two scientists out.

Mokoto, Ashida, Shizune and the two sannin were all staring with mixed expressions at the main topic of discussion, who was currently sitting on the lap of a very uncomfortable Naruto. The boy was trying very hard to keep up with the conversation, but with Ino's head on his shoulder, he was finding himself growing increasingly distracted.

"So, what you're saying is- s-stop that!" he cut off as Ino began nibbling gently on his earlobe. The girl just smiled lovingly at him and settled in even deeper against his body.

Seeing that Naruto was beginning to lose himself to the seductions of the girl (and absolutely not feeling even the slightest bit of jealousy over it, no sir), Jiraiya picked up the beaker. "So you believe that she accidentally ingested some of this...truth serum?"

"That appears to be the case," Ashida said, nodding.

"And then she called me an 'old hag'," Tsunade added darkly.

The bespeculated man sweatdropped. "Well...yes, but-"

"And why, exactly, should I not be maiming her right now?" she demanded, causing the others to shiver.

"If it makes you feel any better, Tsunade-hime," Mokoto interjected. "Nobody else here thinks you're an old hag."

"You're just saying that," she said in what could only be called a pout.

"No, really! You could easily pass as being younger than Ashida!" he continued. "Granted, he's only twenty-seven and he's already getting gray hairs, but-OWCH!"

Ashida calmly removed his foot from Mokoto's and moved in front of Ino, who was now nuzzling her face into the crook of Naruto's neck. "Yamanaka-san."

"Yes?" she asked, not letting the man's interruption stop her from her activities.

"May I please ask you a few questions?"

She took a second to think it over. "I guess, just make it quick. Naruto-chan and I have things we could be doing."

A single drop of blood dripped from Naruto's nose. Unseen by anyone else, Jiraiya pulled his notepad and pencil out and began scribbling.

"Very well then," Ashida went on. "While we're on the subject, what exactly are your feelings for Uzumaki-san here?"

"I want to have his children," she stated without a second thought.

That was the final straw for Naruto, who calmly lifted Ino off of him, stood up, set her back on the chair, and promptly collapsed next to it. Ino let out a small giggle. "You're so adorable, Naruto-chan."

"...I see," Ashida said as he readjusted his glasses. "In that case, I have a couple more questions for you, but for the sake of experimentation, I would like to you answer 'yes' to all questions, even if it's not true, all right?"

She nodded.

"Is your name Yamanaka Ino?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Did we meet earlier today at the Date-ken?"

"Yes."

"Do you have red hair?"

Ino looked ready to say no, but caught herself. "Yes?"

Ashida frowned. "Are you currently a kunoichi of Iwagakure?"

"Yes."

The frown deepened. "Does your family own a blacksmith shop?"

"Yes. What kind of questions are these?"

Ashida didn't respond. He turned and picked up the vile of formula from the desk, giving it a discerning look.

"This is not a truth serum," he concluded. "We must have made a mistake."

"How could that be?" Mokoto asked. "I mean, you even did all of the important stuff to make sure that I didn't screw any of it up."

"Do you know what it might be then?" Shizune asked.

Ashida shrugged. "Could be any number of things." He glanced down to his side where Ino was attempting to revive Naruto by raining dozens of light kisses all across his face. "Judging by her actions, however, I could probably narrow it down to anything from a love or lust potion, possibly a drought that attaches the subject to the first person, or object, that she sees, or maybe just something that causes them to lose inhibitions and act without rational thought."

"Is there anything you can do about it?" Tsunade asked. "She won't be of any use as a kunoichi if the only thing she can think of doing is playing kissy-face with Naruto."

Ashida sighed and pushed up on the bridge of his glasses again. "It will take some time, that's for certain. It took several months for us to create this concoction. First we'll need to run additional tests to find out exactly what this is and where we went wrong with it before we can even begin working on an antidote for it."

Tsunade rubbed her temples. "Fine, get to work on it at once."

"Will we get paid extra for this?" Mokoto asked eagerly.

"I suggest you get back to work immediately before I decide to fire you both for screwing up in the first place!"

"Good answer, Tsunade-hime," he laughed. "Let's make haste, buddy!"

"Don't call me 'buddy'!" Ashida yelled. He placed a hand on Ino's shoulder. "Yamanaka-san, I need you to come with us for a little while. We'd like to run a few tests."

Ino clutched Naruto's head to her chest. "But I have to stay with Naruto-chan!"

Jiraiya slipped his notepad back into his pocket and stood up. "Don't worry Ino; I'll take him back to his house. Hurry up with your tests and you can go spend time with him then."

Ino eyed him warily, but relented. "Well, I guess it's okay as long as it's you taking him, Jiraiya-sama." She shot dual glares at both Tsunade and a surprised Shizune to emphasize what she meant.

She exited along with Ashida and Mokoto, and Tsunade turned to Shizune. "Get Asuma and the rest of Team Ten over here."

"Tsunade-sama?"

"If I have to put up with a borderline maniacal love obsession between those two and end up subjected to all the insults and death glares that go with it until those two bumbling fools find a cure for her, I'm afraid I might just kill the poor girl. She's part of Team Ten, so until the whole thing is resolved, she's their problem."

"A-at once, Tsunade-sama," she stammered, and left the room as well, leaving Tsunade alone with Jiraiya and Naruto, who was still sprawled on the floor. Jiraiya reached down and picked him up by the back of his jacket, in the same fashion that a mother cat might carry her kittens by the scruff of their neck.

As he walked to the door, he glanced back over his shoulder. "Bar in fifteen?"

"Yes, definitely," she agreed. "I assume you still have plenty to tell me?"

Jiraiya smirked and looked away. "We could be up all night."

A noise from the prone Naruto caught both of their attention, as they could have sworn the boy had muttered the word 'pervert' in his sleep.

Jiraiya took extra care to make sure Naruto hit his head on the doorway as he walked out.

End Chapter 2

----------

Yeah, not a lot in the way of romance in this chapter, but I'm hoping that my explanation of Kin is acceptable. It was really the only thing I could think of without using the 'She didn't really die from Edo Tensei' line that I've mostly seen before.

Anyway, I've gotten a few of the girl's hot in pursuit of Naruto now, and the next chapter will deal with the rest. I don't know how long it will take to get the next one out (hopefully not another four and a half months), but I'll do my best with it.

Until then,

LL


End file.
